Happy New Year

Happy New Year, Blogland!

I don't normally make a New Year's resolution. I manage to resolve all kinds of crap all year long. Doesn't do a damn bit of good. I do need to do some things. I need to lose some weight, I need to write more, and I need to quit having these maddening anxiety attacks. There's nothing quite like that rush of adrenaline to your extremities that never stops, or the constriction in your chest that feels like your heart is going to implode. Of course, I'm also the only person on the face of the earth for whom Xanax.Does.Absolutely.Nothing. Much to the chagrin of my physician, who is struggling to find a pharmaceutical solution that will keep me functional and non-agoraphobic until the increased Prozac dose kicks in.

But I'm not going to resolve to do those things. For one, that would just be boring, and second, I doubt it would help me accomplish them.

At the risk of being pedestrian and lemming-like, I think I will make some New Year's resolutions this year. They're going to be a little different than the average bear though.

1. I resolve to eat whatever I want. By nature I'm a generally healthy eater, my mother did a good job instilling sensible eating habits. but I tend to get obsessive about junk food. And I've never managed to have a positive relationship with vegetables. So, pffuuiii on food. You will no longer control my life.

2. I resolve to let go of the self-conscious, socio-political filter in my brain. The one that overthinks things and has a death-grip on my imagination and creativity. I suspect this will not always lead to positive outcomes, but one must take risks to keep moving forward. See probable 2010 resolution to "put filter back on mouth".

3. I resolve to smile more. At myself, and at others. Just now I'm sitting here smiling at Tara. She's asleep, and doesn't care, but it makes me feel better.

Gotta go eat some cake and take my meds. Smiling.