Sunday, August 24, 2008

Girl, Interrupted

We're shaping up to have a serious Mars/Venus conflict in the Jenn And The City household.

Nothing to do with Rob and I. We're fine.

Nothing to do with the addition of another female (Shannon) to the family.

Nothing to do with Nick and his love life. As far as I can tell, Nick thinks girls are "expensive". That's good. Nick, you are so right about that - having a girlfriend will seriously impede your ability to obtain a new paintball gun, or put gas in the truck. Also, they will expect you to STOP playing "Gears of War" or "Call of Duty" to text them back. And get pissed off if you don't. Girls = bad news to 16 year-old boys.

No, our conflict stems from my upcoming visit to the CWA Nationals in Pennsylvania (Philadelphia Freedom). It appears that my long-awaited and much-anticipated trip to see some great whippet racing and meet up with good friends may coincide with Tara's first, errr, hormonal episode. My experience with whippets to date has always been with males. They don't have "hormonal episodes". (Excepting when they encounter a female with aforementioned episode). This leaves Rob (newbie) to cope alone with 1) a female whippet having the equivalent of a menstrual cycle, and a raging desire to seduce the nearest male, and 2) a neutered male whippet who doesn't know he's uhhh, well, let's just say Viagra won't help.

Mars and Venus doesn't cover this topic. I've checked, and even Dr. Phil has no advice for how to leave boyfriend with this sort of chaos. Rob insists on trying to make me feel guilty - "she's going to need her mother".

I've ordered the requisite bitches britches to deal with the physical side of things. They won't be here before I leave. I've pointed out to Rob that he has raised a human child, and he's perfectly capable of purchasing some Huggies Pull-ups and cutting out a tail hole in the case of an absolute emergency.

Rob considers this the equivalent of being asked to purchase Tampax Pearls. His response was much the same as my response to the second flood. "You've got to be f&^$%#g kidding me".

Rob has no idea, and I've no plan to tell him, that the bigger issue is going to be Nike's hormonal reaction. I have no sympathy. Rob's a GUY for God's sake. That's a Mars thing, he ought to be able to at least comprehend Nike's reaction.

Philadelphia Freedom takes on a whole new meaning. I am so smirking behind my laptop. Of course, I may find myself, my dogs, and everything I own living in the motorhome when I return. Linda, could you possibly bring down an emergency set of doggy panties for me before we leave?

At least Shannon will be here - maybe we can send her out for some pantiliners.

My next bestseller will be "Mars and Venus in the Doghouse"


Anonymous said...

OMIGOD!  I can't believe "the event" may begin when you're gone!!!  I can't imagine leaving the male figure in charge of that!!!  I know what I went through and I had the same previous non experience as you.  I have panties I can send down.  I don't think Linda has any!!!  (Oh poor Rob)Janet

kclynn89 said...

Really - they have special doggy menstrual panties. I have heard it ALL now. That is what I get for only having spayed dogs in my house.

Patience-please said...

No, no, we had not finalized the order of said panties. I have been waiting final instructions!!!

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